Miss France Isn't Even From France

And that's just for starters! I don't know where to begin with this. I'll try to boil it down.

This very pretty lady is the new Miss France. Her name is Valérie Bègue (rhymes with "leg"). So far so good. The brows are not spectacular, but we vote oui.


There's one weird thing going on, right off the bat. She's from an island called La Réunion, which belongs to France. That's fine. But the island is in the middle of the Indian Ocean. So that's not really France, is it? No. (The contestant who finished second is from New Caledonia, which is near Australia or something – you can't get much farther from France!).

But that's not why Mlle. Bègue is in the news. She's at the center of a controversy because – oh la la! – a skeevy French magazine called Entrevue published some shocking, scandalous photos of her!



No, not that one! That's just a normal pageant photo. That did not violate any rules. After all, the pageants reserve the right to make the contestants dress up like high price prostitutes.

• Sequined bikini? Check.
• Angel wings? Check.
• Acrylic stilettos? Très bien, mon amie!

The problem is that Mlle. Bègue apparently posed for photos in which she licked yogurt suggestively! I know, it's sad, and it's hard to believe. But here is the proof:


Wait. It gets worse. Hard to imagine. But it's true. She also posed on a crucifix! In a bikini!:


An outrage! So these photos led to a series of negotiations, after which all the parties involved reached a compromise: Mlle. Bègue can keep her title, but she can't represent France in the big international competitions. Miss New Caledonia gets that job.

Well, it could have been worse. Can you imagine if Miss France had appeared, say, soaking wet in a see-through top? What? She did? Oh yes, she did:


OK, but still. Why get upset about that? I've seen women who look just like that walk into a small grocery store on the French Riviera without any top on at all. The French can handle it. Hence the total lack of any mention of this photo in French news coverage. It's all "cross and yogurt, yogurt and cross!"

And anyway, the ultimate faux pas (that's French!) would have been posing for a photo with no pants on...


Uh...exsqueeze me? I give up. For the yogurt and the cross they threaten to take away her title. But a see-through top and no pants (rhymes with France), not even mentioned in the news. I venture to say things go down (ahem) differently over here in the États-Unis.

I guess I'll never understand these foreigners and their strange mores. But that won't stop me from clicking on their photos and examining them a little more...

Vive l'Ile de la Réunion!